The Cancer Journey
From the moment you begin it, you know the journey you are about to take will be the hardest one you have ever made. The journey for me began when I had to call 911 one morning because my stubborn husband who had refused to go to the doctor was now in dire straights and could barely breathe. He was rushed to the Methodist Emergency Center here, stabilized, then transferred to Methodist Heart & Transplant in San Antonio. He had double pneumonia, and was lucky to be alive. But the doctors wanted to do some further testing. The results of those test were bleak indeed.
On August 20th I had to call our son and tell him his father had cancer, and the prognosis was very bad. Two hours after I made that call, then one more to Red Cross, our son was granted emergency leave, and was making plans to fly over from Japan where he is stationed. On August 21st my was in flight to here, and my husband began his first chemo treatment. One meant to ease his final days from my understanding. Hospice was mentioned. I wept until I could weep no more. Then my husband, who because of his refusal to socialize in the past, and his often grumpy attitude, has acquired the nickname Mr. Grinch, heard the word Hospice, and said, "Hell No!" He chose to fight, and not go quietly into the night.
My son arrived on the 22nd, and stayed here at the resort in a duplex for the next 5 days. His father proceeded to astound the doctors and nursing staff by steadily improving a little bit each day. I have been keeping a daily journal that I have been sharing excerpts from on my personal Facebook page. I am now ready to share some of those excerpts here as well in the hopes it might give others in the same situation my husband and I are in strength, comfort and hope. Three things those who are taking similar cancer journeys will most surely need.
From an August 21st Journal Entry:
Quick update. Just got back from visiting Mr. Grinch. He is doing better! Breathing much easier and withstanding first chemo really well! Even ate all the of Popeye's rice and beans and a few shrimp from the meal we brought him.
Now, because humor as well as tears heal....
BB, Mistress of the Salacious, actually had a first tonight at the hospital! No get your minds out of the gutter. I had brought his razor and some shaving cream over with me, and he and Brian decided I should shave the beard and mustache he had grown while in the hospital off before the chemo started making his hair fall out. Having never before shaved any man's face, or anything else on a man for that matter, I was not all that comfortable, or adept.
Having Mr. Grinch make all kinds of weird facial expressions and open his eyes as if in terror the whole time I was shaving him, especially his throat, didn't help matters. I'm happy to report though I not only shaved his face and throat, I didn't nick him once! True it's probably not the closest best shave he's ever had, but the upside is I didn't cut his throat, or the oxygen tubes running up to his nose. Am I good or what? ;)
Brian said watching me shave was some of the best entertainment he had seen in a long time.
August 22
A little brighter spot
Two good pieces of news. My son and oldest grandson are here until Monday :)
Larry is still improving! He's amazed the doctors and Dawn, our social worker. Dawn is making things happen for us, and helping set the wheels in motion for us to continue the battle.
I'm trying to think how to describe our current situation. I can only say we have gone from an area of dark hopelessness, to a little brighter spot where we can see the first shining rays of hope returning. We have to take this one day, one step, at a time. And time is what we need most. Time so he can continue the chemo treatments that yes, will be stronger and cause some very bad side effects. Time for those chemo treatments to work so that his breathing will improve even more. Surgery is still out of the question at this point. But, if his breathing improves enough, then radiation is another weapon we can use.
Now for those who have asked. It is third stage. However, as the doctor explained, he didn't think to tell me that until today because it was a moot point. Even had it been earliest stage one, they still could not have operated due to the breathing problems. And yes, I understand completely how hopeless our situation might look to some even now. But as long as he is improving a little each day, like he is doing, then as far as I'm concerned, there is at least a tiny ray of hope that if nothing else, we can buy him more time. And with more time, who knows what may happen?
August 23rd
A very good day!
Today has been a very good day. Mr. Grinch is starting to get some PT workouts to help improve his breathing. While he did one of the PT sessions we went to Popeyes for lunch. I finally got to try the beans and rice, and they were delicious! When we got back he was about to order lunch, so I mentioned we had some chicken strips and stuff from Popeyes if he wanted them. He opted for the Popeyes food. He was rather tired from his two PT workouts, so after he ate we left him to get some rest.
I was a bit worried about him because even though he is still improving every day, he did seem a bit tired and down. That worry was eased when I received a phone call from him later this afternoon. He sounded much better, and even asked if I would get some of those square chocolate candies that had raisins and peanuts in them. I couldn't think what they were, so after the conversation Googled it, and discovered they were Chunky Bars. Google can be such a wonderful thing.
As I was sitting outside earlier this evening it occurred to me that in a way, we have already witnessed a mini miracle. That dark spot I wrote about earlier, well it was a place where to the doctors, it looked as if he had two weeks at the most left. And it would all be downhill in that time. Instead, he is improving a little bit each day. And now we are talking Hope, instead of Hospice.
The cherry on top of this very good day is that we are getting to spend time with our son and grandson. I am especially blessed to have them staying here in one of duplexes at the resort. Little Chris is ga ga about the golf cart, and insists on riding around on it at much as possible. Oh and I am proud to announce that I was able to help him learn how to play Zombie Farm II today. But boy oh boy things change fast, and that Zombie Farm II is nothing like the original I enjoyed playing when it first came out. But this groovin' Granny did all Grandmas proud, figured out what had changed, and showed my beloved Grandson how to grow a good mix of crops and zombies to get to the next level, on the very iPad I gave his mother when I upgraded to this one. Oh and in case you haven't guessed, Muffy has pretty much had to kiss that iPad goodbye now that Little Chris has taken to using it.
I know there are rough times ahead of us. For now, I'm going to suck up every wonderful second of days like today. When those rough times do come, then I can close my eyes for a few seconds, remember times like today, and let those memories help get me through those rough times.
August 24th
A wonderful day!
Today started with breakfast at Bear Moon Bakery, followed by a walk along River Road Park to feed the ducks some goodies the waitress at Bear Moon Bakery was kind enough to give us. What a joy it was watching my grandson feeding the ducks! Then we headed to San Antonio to see Mr. Grinch. He is still improving and was sitting up looking spiffy and smug after shaving himself earlier. He had eaten a good breakfast, but told us to put the blueberry crown we had gotten him from the bakery on his tray for later. We had a good visit with him, then left for lunch while he had his breathing treatment.
His appetite is definitely improving because he sure chowed down on the poorboy sausage sandwich we brought him back from Bill Millers. After lunch we left him to snooze a little and get some rest while we headed to the Botanical Gardens.
I had asked big Chris shortly after he got here if he would mind taking me to the Botanical Gardens for a couple of hours. I told him he could drop me off and come back later if he would rather do something else. But he and little Chris chose to come with me. I was so glad they did. We had a wonderful time at those beautiful gardens. Little Chris especially enjoyed the Savage Garden filled with all kinds of carnivorous plants.
I know there are much more to the Botanical Gardens than I saw today, but I wouldn't trade a moment of today for a red carpet tour through the entire gardens. To be surrounded by the beauty I did see today, while with my son and grandson was two hours I will treasure forever. It is another beautiful moment I can tuck away and bring back out again when I am in need of it.
August 27th
Imagine Dream Believe
What a day! After a busy morning getting the room ready for the hospital bed and oxygen machine I went over to the hospital and was ecstatic to discover they are trying to make arrangements to have everything he needs delivered tomorrow, and discharge him from the hospital when everything is in place.
I have a square of vanilla carmel spice wax in the electric candle, and the aroma drifting it from it is wonderfully warm and relaxing. I am imagining Larry continuing to improve each day as he has been doing. Dreaming that the chemo he is going to continue will help. And believing that no matter what, we will get through this. I know that no matter what, I have to get through this as best I can both for Larry's sake, and my son's.
I have to find a way to cope with what is happening. Make whatever time is left to us as good as it can be. My main goal is to get through this, and make sure that in the end, I have no guilt or regrets concerning how I dealt with this. That's why my three words for tomorrow are Grace, Dignity, and Courage. If I can maintain those three things throughout what is coming, then I know I can do what I must, and get through this intact, no matter what.
I know that until I can drive and park better, and Mr. Grinch can get out and about as well, I'm going to be cooking most of our meals. I am making a shopping list so that when I go to HEB I will have a week's worth of food to fix, as well as some tempting snacks for him. I will fix breakfast, an easy lunch, and a good supper for us. It's still too hot for the oven right now, but I can cook skillet dinners, grill, and even do some summertime crockpot cooking.
August 28th
Grace Dignity Courage
Ugh! What a day! And night. After getting coffee on this morning at the clubhouse and the chair and table moved out of the man cave room I thought everything was all systems Go! Unfortunately we ran into a snag and instead of coming home, Mr. Grinch is now in the Cibolo Nursing & Rehabilitation Center until we can get his oxygen concentrator machine intake level to a 5. Right now he is at an 8, and no at home oxygen supply company here can deal with that, especially with a portable machine. I am not getting discouraged though because he's already gone from an 11 to an 8. He only has to drop 3 more points before he can come home. And when I talked to him late this evening around 11pm, he said his saturation levels were still holding at 95, and he was about to have them dial him down another notch. So 5 is now the Magick Number!
Tomorrow I start back driving in earnest! I will begin by going over to Joshua Springs Park & Preserve and practicing my parking skills in their big parking lot. Then I will ease back to the access road, and make my way to the nursing center on River Road. If I have to, I will put those bubble mirrors on the side mirrors to help me see like I used to do with the other trucks. I WILL learn to drive again. I WILL learn to park again. I have no other choice now.
August 30th
Yes I can
Yes I can are my words for today
I drove over to Walmart and then to see Larry again today. Chanting at times my Mantra of the day, Yes I Can. Driving is getting easier for me. Parking is still another matter. But Walmart has a big parking with lots of empty spaces and the end of the parking aisles. And the Goddess is being good to me and somehow keeping one of three spots available open for me when I go in to see Larry. Although today a tiny little red car parked cockeyed in the slot on my left made it hard for me to leave the room I would have liked on both sides. I did the best I could, and that crew cab was parked straight and true in its slot when I stepped out of it.
I am happy to report that Larry is still improving. He did 2 sessions of PT today. And happily surprised them with how well he did that second session on the arm bike. I know he's getting much better because was arguing with me and giving me a hard time over the vehicle I want. When I finally had enough of that, I put my arm over his shoulders, leaned over and whispered in his ear, "If you keep giving me a hard time about this, the cancer and not being able to breath good are going to be the least of your problems." It was about that time the nurse came in to take him to the gym to work out on the arm bike. I could tell by the way she was beaming she thought she had interrupted a truly tender moment. I did nothing to discourage that idea, and she thought Mr. Grinch was just happy and eager to go to the gym so he can get better and come home.
After his arm bike work out we came back to the room. The nurse asked him if he would like elastic laces for his shoes that would make putting them on easier. He agreed those would be good. She left, then came back with the laces and handed them to him. We each grabbed a shoe, and we were both starting to put the laces in when she left. We were sitting there, backs to the door, bowed over the shoes trying to get the elastic laces in when another nurse walked in, and whispered, "Is everything okay? This looks serious." I turned my head to her, held up the shoe, and replied, "It is serious. We are trying to get these elastic laces in his shoes right." Then I started laughing. The nurse blinked, then she started laughing as well. It felt good to laugh! To see him laughing with us.
August 31st
Grace Under Fire
An incident with Larry's roommate yesterday inspired my words for today. Grace Under Fire. He was sitting outside when I was leaving and kind of grousing about how busy and noisy the room was now. I remained utterly polite, didn't blurt out some of the things I thought. Instead I apologized for all the noise, and very nicely explained the situation Larry was in. When I was through, he apologized to me, and said he wishes Larry and I the very best.
I could have said and done a lot of things. Like tell him he should be thanking whatever deity he believes that he is in as good a shape as he is. But Grace has become very important to me. So much so, I don't mind using that word again in my words of the day. Grace, is what is going to get me through this without becoming bitter. It is what is going to allow me to remain polite in moments like that without biting someone's head off.
I have just begun to take the roller coaster ride of despair and hope that those with cancer, and those who have loved ones with cancer endure. I have no illusions at all concerning what kind of a ride this is going to be. Which is why I'm going to enjoy every fun and funny precious moment to the max, and hope remembering those moments when the ride dips to the dark moments of despair, gets us both through this. And strive for Grace Under Fire when I need to.
From here on out I will be sharing future excerpts as regular dated blog entries.
