I remember the first time I smiled and laughed after we knew Larry had cancer, I was overcome with a horrible sense of guilt for daring to smile and laugh. But my friends had a good talk to me. And made me realize that I cannot allow myself to be overwhelmed with guilt if I can still find something to smile and laugh about. Even if some of the laughter and smiles are the result of rather dark humor on my part. More than ever before, it is important that I do continue to smile and laugh, and be a source of upbeat energy for him. Me dropping into a dark deep well of guilt driven depression isn't going to do him, or me any good.
Then I started feeling kind of guilty again at how much I am enjoying the feeling of being able to drive again. That nasty voice of doom and gloom was whispering things like, "How can you be so happy you can drive again considering WHY you are driving again?" Well, I finally answered that nasty little voice by saying, "Because if I can't drive, how the hell can I go see him? Bring him the things he needs and wants? Get him to the doctors and Chemo when that time comes? How can I even BEGIN to take care of him if I can't drive?" That seemed to shut that nasty voice up and allow me to go on being happy as a little clam that I can once more drive, and have a vehicle that makes driving fun again for me.
Today, I have already gassed SweetPea up, bought Mr. Grinch a lottery ticket, went to Walmart to get him some blueberry yogurt and other stuff he wanted, then to visit him. And enjoyed every moment of my time driving because I wasn't dreading getting to where I was going, and having to try and find a parking space I could get in. Had it not been sprinkling a little rain, as I was coming home, I would have gone for a little drive just for fun. I still get really uneasy even being a passenger in rainy weather, and probably always will. When the sun is shining again, I will take SweetPea out for a little country spin just for the fun of it. I may even open the moonroof, and truly revel in the moment. And I will not feel guilty for doing so.
7:40 PM
Just back from visiting with Larry again. So happy to see they he is only on 5 liters of oxygen now. We have reached the magic number. But, it will still be a little while before they let him come home. They want to make sure he does okay at this level, and holds up to his work outs on it. The 17th I am going to attend a conference meeting concerning the plan they have put together for his continued care. He's looking and sounding so much better now. Yes, still painfully thin, weak and shaky. But still so much better than he was a couple of weeks ago!
