This Cancer Journey we are taking has reminded me what I am truly made of. Forced me call upon deeply buried strengths I had forgotten I had. Put me right up against the wall sometimes, and made me come out with both fists swinging as we went in battle. There were times it brought me to my knees. I've never been much of one for staying down for the count though, and despite what sometimes seemed an unbearable weight on my shoulders, I knew I couldn't stay down because I needed to help Mr. Grinch win this terrible battle. So I looked deep within myself, recalled some very unpleasant times gone by I had gotten through, got the hell back up, and did what I had to do. After all, this sure as hell isn't my first rodeo. I helped nurse my mother who was paralyzed in a car accident when I was still in grade school. Then took a little trip through the glass darkly that resulted in me spending several months in hospital, and left me with some scars that I still bear.
Getting and keeping priorities straight is another thing this journey is forcing us to do. Both as a team, and as individuals. My biggest priority is making sure I don't crack under the constant pressure. Sometimes this means doing whatever I have to in order to relieve some of that pressure. I have learned to toss guilt out the window when it comes to this issue because I know just how important it is that I do remain strong. And yeah, sometimes just knowing how important that is, increases what is already a very load. Who will help take care of him, drive him to chemo and the doctors, do all the other things if I crack? If I really stop and think very much about the responsibility resting on my shoulders, it's enough to scare the hell out of me! Which is why I never give that any more than a fleeting thought. Instead I just focus on making sure I don't crack under the strain
At this moment in time and space we are winning the battle. Mr. Grinch's tumor has already shrunk dramatically, and his tumor markers are very low now compared to what they were. Yeah, the relentless Chemo Regime is starting to leave him rather tired afterwards. Thursdays he mostly spends resting now. Doing only a few of the easier exercises that don't tax him too much. There is no terrible nausea though at this point. And so far, because of the steroids he is on, his appetite is damn good!
We have at least two more months of chemo to go. Perhaps the tumor in his lung will be completely gone by then. Perhaps it will take a few more rounds of chemo for that. Whatever happens the road to recovery is still a long one, with lots of bumps, rocks and really hard going along the way. But I know that we can make it to the end of that road. I know that when the going gets tough I will reach deep down inside myself, and find the strength and courage to make it. Just as I have done in the past.
