Good morning world. What a beautiful sunny morning here in the Texas Hill Country. I'm having a relaxing morning sipping tea and just chilling for right now. Later this afternoon I will go in and see Mr. Grinch. He is still very weak and at night having some trouble keeping his oxygen stats in line. He is still determined to try and get back on his feet. As long as he has fight left him I will do all I can to insure he has the opportunity to do so. As I told the social worker yesterday, as long as he can think and speak, and feels he can fight then that is what the game plan is. PT is working with him to give him that chance.
Yes, this is a heartbreaking situation to be in for both him and I. I am overwhelmed with emotions at times. Find myself in tears a lot when dealing with the nurses as I explain to them that no matter what they or anyone else feels, at this point the decision concerning Hospice is up to him as long as he is capable of making that decision. I've warned them we are dealing with an incredibly stubborn man who has already made it a lot longer than anyone thought he would at first.
Do I expect yet another miraculous recovery? Honestly, not really. But am I going to do whatever it takes to make sure he does have the chance to do that once again? You can bet the farm and anything you want that yes I will. That is something I will continue to do for as long as he can make that decision. After all he has bounced back in the past, so who am I to say whether or not he can do that again?
I visit him every day right now. Stay for a least a couple of hours. I know he is scared and wants me stay longer at times but in order to insure I can keep it together enough to help him continue fighting I have to be selfish and walk away at times so that I can pull myself together, and stay strong enough to keep doing that. I know he judges me a bit harshly at times for not being there more. I overlook that though because I know he is weak and scared, and draws strength and courage from me when I am there. Others may also judge me a bit harshly for doing the things I do to keep my sanity intact. I have only one thing to say to anyone doing that. "Come walk a mile in my shoes before you sit in judgement on me."
If death is coming soon, as the doctors and nurses seem to think it is, I cannot make peace with it for him. Only he can do that. All I can do is support him all I can while he continues to fight for life. Be there for him as much as I can, and keep doing what I have to in order to keep it together, and not wind up bouncing off the walls of a padded cell as I take this evil roller coaster ride of tears and fears.
