Having a lovely quiet evening just chilling and getting better acquainted with this person I am becoming, that is tackling widowhood with a firm determination to have the time of my life. Now by that I do not mean endless parties and such. What I mean is I am going to continue doing all the things that bring me happiness, as often as possible. Things like walking, hiking, kayaking, and taking photographs. I will be doing some of those things with my friends I already have, as well as making new friends. I learned really fast that kayaking is very popular among men and women out here. It did my radical equal opportunity heart good to see the number of women out in kayaks on the river when I went to the Kerrville-Schreiner Park. I saw young women, women my age, and even women older than me enjoying kayaking.
That hour long kayak adventure changed things for me in some profound ways. As I sat in the rented kayak, watching those other women, some of who obviously had their own kayaks, I realized, I can be one them! I am one of them! Okay yeah they know what they are doing and I don't, yet. But I can learn. Just like they also once had to learn. So, without even really knowing how to launch one by myself, I blithely ordered my own little one person kayak, that because of the color, and the dreams I have of paddling places in it, is going to be my Tangerine Dream when it gets here. Which hopefully will be in the next day or so. Oh and yeah I still have to get a paddle. The weather has been too unpredictable for making my first solo trip to The Rim.
I want to be the kind of strong independent woman who pitches her own tent, sets up her own camp, launches her own kayak, and paddles off towards new adventures with a smug happy smile plastered on her face. And thank goodness for You Tube, because after watching some instructional videos, I now know exactly how to safely launch my sit in kayak from a boat ramp, or sloping shoreline. And how to hold the paddle, when I get that too.
As I contemplate all this I realize I am becoming a very blithe free spirit. Indifferent to a large degree to what some consider the rules of the road because I am very much taking my own personal journey here. Basically, in many ways I've tossed the rule book right out the window, and do whatever I want to, whenever I want to. I haven't become totally irresponsible. Simply responsible only to myself now. I am taking time a lot of time for me now because me is the only person I have to look after now. Coming to this realization is helping me to continue my journey without guilt dogging my every step.
I'm not out there swinging from the chandeliers and trying to be the Merry Widow life of the party. No, my ambition is to be a happy adventurous outdoor woman, who happens to be a widow. I was trying to become the first part before Larry became so ill. Now, well I'm simply continuing that journey, on my own, and expanding my horizons in ways I hadn't dreamed of before.
