I am coming to realize that the daily journal entries I am doing as we take this desperate journey is really taking me back to my true BB roots. When I first began writing the Beyond Blonde weekly column for the newspaper, I wrote about real things, and a lot of times how those real things affected me. Oh sometimes I took a little flight of fancy to entertain my readers. And yes I do have that little 9" blue muse named, Morris. But no matter how silly I got, I was still basically writing about the realities of life.
Now, as I make these journal entries that tell those who read them about this desperate journey my husband and I are taking, I am once more writing about the realities of life. And it just doesn't get anymore real than this. These entries I share aren't here just to entertain though. They are here in the hopes that others also taking The Cancer Journey, will find something in them that might help them.
I am writing from the perspective of a wife helping her husband as he takes The Cancer Journey. A wife who is having to once more evolve in order to deal with what is happening as we continue this journey. From the moment I received the news about the results of the biopsy, my world turned upside down, and inside out. First I thought I was going to be dealing with his VERY imminent death. And now I am thankfully dealing with what we are going to do make sure his death isn't nearly as imminent as first thought by some.
I am trying to do what is best for him, take the best care of him I possibly can, and take care of me as well. I hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and try to live each day with as much strength, courage, grace, dignity, and humor as I can. Fear is my constant companion now in some form or another. I fear he will take a sudden turn for the worst. I fear I will not be as strong as I need to be. Sometimes, I am so overwhelmed with fear, terror is all I can feel. There are times, that for just a few seconds, I find myself completely frozen with fear. Unable to move, to even breath. Then I close my eyes, force myself to relax, and begin to breath again. As I breath I remind myself he will be okay, I can do this, I am strong enough.
Together we are battling the cancer. Though each of us at times must fight the fear, and our inner demons alone. I have conquered a couple of inner demons already. Oh yeah, after zipping around today to do an errand for the resort, grab something from Walgreens for Mr. Grinch, going to see him, then heading back home on the interstate, that old inner demon that reared its ugly head every time I got behind the wheel, is long gone. I had the moonroof open for a few seconds just for the hell of it as I was cruising along at the posted 75 mph speed limit, Another One Bites The Dust blaring from the speakers, and I do believe he and that nasty nagging guilt voice got sucked right up through it. Perhaps next time I'll leave it open a little longer, and see what other nasties get sucked up through it.
I do all I can to make sure he has everything he needs, let him see I'm holding down the fort at home, and keeping it all together, so he does not worry about that. I take him candy, blueberry yogurt, whatever treats he asks for. Visit him at least once a day, sometimes twice a day. I remain upbeat, discuss plans for when he comes home, sometimes gently stroking his back with my fingers as we sit side by side on the edge of his bed.
As we sat there today he told me he was starting to lose his hair. I remarked he had been doing that anyway for years since he was too stubborn to use the Rogaine I had once bought him. Then he pointed to the floor and said, "No I mean where I toss my shorts and pants on the floor before they pick them up to wash them, there are curly black hairs." To which I replied, "Oh you mean THOSE hairs."
After he sadly sighed and said, "Yeah those hairs. And on my head as well" I gently stroked his back and said, "Look on the bright side, several people have told us the hair on your head will grow back thicker than ever. I'm sure that hair will too."
