Sipping my first cup in bed while getting awake and ready to head in for Mr. Grinch's bloodwork. Glad to say he feeling better today than the last few days. Between the high humidity, followed by high winds, breathing has not been at all easy for him. The good news is even with that he has been able to keep his oxygen saturation levels up fairly good. Sometimes it is so frustrating, and yes terrifying dealing with this. As far as the chemo goes, well everything is actually going great because the cancer is responding to chemo. Unfortunately his battle is not just with cancer, but with COPD as well. Days like yesterday are a reminder that no matter how well the chemo is going, until it over and we can focus more on controlling the COPD we are in a terrible kind of limbo.
I sometimes find myself honestly wondering where I am finding the strength to handle all this without completely snapping. I know there are moments when I feel so very close to doing that. Yes, I have those moments. I wouldn't be human if I didn't have them. That's what I remind myself when those moments happen. I don't beat myself up for having those moments. Instead I do whatever it takes to get through them, with as much grace, dignity and courage as possible. I cling to those 3 words with the tenacity of a drowning woman clutching a floating log in a raging river.
Tomorrow is the last chemo treatment for this month. Then it is a week off, and at least two more months of chemo. We are both hoping that when the weather warms up and he get back outside to do some walking he can build his strength back up, and get through the last couple of months of chemo with no more bouts of pneumonia, or days like yesterday. Humid days will of course continue to be a problem. But, perhaps not as big a problem if we can just get some sunny warm days in between where he can get outside and build his lungs back up with some walking.
Now it's getting time to get my butt up and face the day again. Get him to the clinic for bloodwork, and do the other things I need to. To anyone reading these words who is going through the same thing I am, just remember this, do all you can, but also remember, there is only so much you can do. You are only human, but bend like a windblown tree so that you don't break. Do whatever it takes to get you through it, and most importantly, do not beat yourself up, or judge yourself too harshly for only being human.
Blessed be
