No he isn't ready for that!

The last few days have been a complete nightmare and though I did Facebook entries, I was too tired to upload them to my main page.  I am going to include those entries in this one, so they fall in order.  The nightmare began Sunday morning when I had to call the ambulance again for Mr. Grinch.  He had only been out of the hospital 3 days, and was now about to go back in, if he survived long enough.  And at times that dreadful Sunday morning it looked like the ambulance might be too late.  Fortunately the ambulance arrived in time, and after stabilizing him here, took him to the ER in Boerne.  They spoke of ventilating him, but I explained he did not want that done, so he was left on the Bi Pap oxygen set up and given more tests, then antibiotics to battle the pneumonia he now had.  I personally feel that if the hospital had kept him a couple more days, and made sure he was truly ready to come home, this latest incident wouldn't have happened.  Sunday evening, the first night he was in the hospital I honestly wasn't sure if he would make it through the whole night.  And yes because his condition appeared so grave, I agreed to discuss Hospice plans.  However, things are so very often, not what they appear.

What follows now are the Facebook entries I made during what has been an extremely stressful, and at times, dark time.

Monday, April 7th

This update brings sad news. Mr. Grinch is going to be going to in patient Hospice care when he does get discharged from the Methodist Hospital in SA. Unfortunately, due to the massive amounts of oxygen he is now on our best choice to insure that he is comfortable and pain free is to go with an in patient Hospice in SA. He has fought so valiantly against the cancer, and made such good progress, but the COPD and bouts of pneumonia have taken their toll on his poor battle weary body and soul. At this point I can't say much more. I do not how much time is left, only that I am going to do everything humanly possible to see to that whatever time he has, is as comfortable and pain free as possible.

To all those who have and still are offering their prayers, thoughts, love and support, we both thank you so very very much. Know that we appreciate those prayers, thoughts and love so very very much. Right now, I'm just going to try and rest a little before I go over to the hospital to see him tonight.

Blessed be to all reading these words

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I do not believe this! I answered the phone earlier and damned if Mr. Grinch wasn't on the other end of it. At first I didn't know who it was because the call was not from his cell phone. I had brought it back home with me last night since he could barely speak above a whisper and that was distorted by the spaceman oxygen mask he was wearing. Since his voice was the LAST thing I expected to hear over my phone at that moment, I actually had to ask, "Who is this?" 

Seems his nurse, Crystal, taught him how to push what I call the spaceman oxygen mask aside long enough to eat, and once he learned he could do that, after he had eaten, he promptly had them dial my number from the phone in his room.

That is one stubborn man! 

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Sometimes help comes from unexpected places. In our case it is actually his Humana Advocate who is trying to help us get off the Hospice track and back on the road to some kind of recovery. After explaining to her that I felt the reason he is currently in the condition he is in is because of how they keep discharging him from the hospital too soon, and that after talking to him, and finding out he is now at least off the spaceman mask during the day, we were not really willing to go Hospice at this moment she agreed with us that he may not be ready for Hospice right now. She also clued me in me on a few things I didn't know, including the fact if we don't think he is ready to come home from the hospital, we can fight having him virtually kicked out before he is ready.

So, BB is about to go into battle mode, and do everything I can to see to it he gets a chance to make up the progress he has lost, and continue the battle. We both understand the gravity of the situation, and also understand there may come a point when the Hospice route is right for him. But, in the meantime, we are going to hope that he will continue to buck the odds, and improve a little more each day. If he can do that, then advocating for a fighting chance for him will be much easier.

April 8th

After trying to make a arrangements for Larry to go into an in patient Hospice place, then getting a call from him that stunned me he could even make, I found myself having to regroup and reconsider the Hospice answer at this moment. Besides being able to to eat, and make a phone call, Larry was also able to get up and do a few marching steps. He was also alert enough to flip me off a could of times when he didn't like what I was saying at the hospital this evening. Now I realize that isn't much, but it is enough to make me wonder if perhaps the doctors could get him over the pneumonia and out of the spaceman mask, he might still have some kind of fighting chance.

We are between a terrible rock and hard spot here. He cannot remain in the spaceman mask 24/7 for very long or pressure sores will start to form on his face from the mask. Having dealt with pressure sores when my mother was paralyzed, I know just how horribly painful and sometimes next impossible to treat they can be. If he goes to Hospice, they will also not continue IV antibiotics or any kind of aggressive treatment, and they will only spend a certain amount of time tying to wean him off the spaceman mask before they give up, and begin the morphine process that will result in a reasonably quiet and comfortable passing.

I have contacted our Humana Advocate and asked her to get me some information concerning his prognosis, and see if we can go for some progressive care at this time, rather than going the Hospice route. In the end of course the final decision is up to Larry. But, I promised him, and myself that as long as he felt he could continue fighting, and wanted to, then I would do whatever I could to see to he got that chance. Tomorrow I hope we are able to get a clearer picture of what is truly going on so that we can make the best decision as to where to go from here.

Now, I really am going to head to bed and try to a good night's sleep because tomorrow is going to be another very long day.

April 9th

Yeah! Nothing like a good hot shower and some make-up to make a gal feel human again. The last few days I have been so busy and so stressed I haven't even bothered with putting on my normal touch of make-up. Yes I have taken showers though! Today though I took that few extra make-up minutes, and feel a lot better for having done so.

I just hope I don't have to resort to putting on war paint to accomplish what I need to and insure that Mr. Grinch gets the chance he deserves. I spoke to his Case Manager at the hospital today and told her in no uncertain term I was not ready to have him put in Hospice and be put down. She seemed rather taken aback at how I phrased until I explained how the woman we met with the other night laid it out for us as to what would happen if he couldn't be weaned off the full spaceman Bi Pap oxygen mask. Then she seemed appalled and assured me I had been given the wrong information. I made it clear I didn't want to even hear Hospice mentioned again and that Sharon, our Humana Advocate, would be contacting her about an alternate route. I also brought up that I felt the reason his is in the shape he is right now is because they keep sending home before he is ready, and that was going to stop.

I understand Hospice is a wonderful thing for those who are ready for it. Who no longer hold any hope of getting at all better. But, Mr. Grinch is not ready to give up hope. He is still ready to battle on and try his best to get as well as he can. Yes! We know he will never be completely well, will always be on oxygen of some kind even on his best days. What the people at the hospital better start understanding is that as long as he feels he can recover from this latest bout of pneumonia enough to continue to battle for life, then By the Goddess I will do whatever it takes to see to it he gets that chance.