I started the morning off by taking care of a couple more final details that needed taking care of. I talked to the man buying the house in west Texas, and gave him the first month's rent free since he had to have the A/C people out to repair some damage done to wiring and other things by mice, and paid for that himself. I am trying to be as fair to him as possible here since he and my neighbor have taken care of everything else for me. I have to say I am a very fortunate widow to have them doing that for me. I'm sure I would have gotten through it all, but gosh going back there and going through all that stuff, packing up what little I wanted and Chris wanted, then getting rid of the rest would have been very very hard on me right now.
Then I went in and picked up the death certificates and took one to the company the truck is financed through so they can begin the paperwork on that so I can sell the truck now. Doing that was a little tougher than I thought it would be, but I managed to take care of what I needed to without winding up in tears again. He had credit life on the truck loan so thankfully the truck will now be fully paid for when I do sell it.
After that I swung by Walmart and picked up a shoe rack and a closet deodorizer. The shoe rack fits perfectly in my little closet, and I still have plenty of room to hang dresses and other longer items. I also bought a new outside welcome mat. The old one is solid black. I found out very painfully it will broil the bottom of a dainty bare foot on a warm sunny day. The new one is multicolored with nice geometric designs around the Welcome in the center of it. I also picked up a small area rug for in front of the door inside. It has designs on it in shades of blue with brown trim so it ties the blue recliner in nicely with the rest of the room.
Although my girl cave and the whole RV is filled with sunlight during the day, evenings are another story now. With just me here I don't see turning all the RV lights on anymore, especially if I'm in the girl cave, so I just use a couple of regular lamps now. I have one clip on lamp on the table next to the recliner, and another table lamp on the table by were I usually sat in the living room. And now that I can burn candles again, I usually have a candle burning in the girl cave as well. Unless I have company, that is really all the light I need in the evenings.
Evenings are spent relaxing, writing, and pondering the future. There are memories too of course that suddenly overwhelm me. But, I ride the wave of those memories until peace returns to my soul, then make a point to ponder the future so that I do not become trapped within those memories of the past. I also take time to get in touch with myself. To explore this new side of me that widowhood has exposed. His illness, then death has made some profound changes in me. I am not quite the same person I was. I think I am a better person now. I learned new depths of compassion. Attained new heights of independence.
I wish to live my life from here on out as an independent woman who never forgets the lesson of compassion I learned. I already know that besides keeping on doing my job here at the resort, later, I'm also going to volunteer a few hours here and there for worthy causes. I am also going to keep connecting with nature, and through it, the spiritual side of me. To know and understand what I want to do in the future, I have to first know and understand this new person I have become, am still becoming.
As I write these words I have the lamp next to the recliner turned off, nothing but the electric wax warmer going in the living room, and am enjoying the light show Mother Nature is putting on outside. The sound of falling rain at first made me sad because during the last few months of his life we grew to hate what rainy weather did to his breathing. But he no longer struggles to breath, so I let those memories go, and focused on earlier ones, inhaled the scent of the candle, listened to the sound of falling rain, and allowed it to sooth my soul.
As the storm continues I find myself having a weird kind of fun sitting here in semi darkness listening to it, and watching the light show outside. I know how desperately in need of rain we are. I Know the trees and plants are happy to be receiving this live giving moisture, and nitrogen from all the lightning. Things are going to be green and beautiful all around the Hill Country after this lovely rain we are getting. Grass will grow, flowers will bloom, life will explode, and go on. I want to make sure I get outside, do some walking and hiking after the rain and watch that explosion of colorful life that will take place. Seeing it, and perhaps capturing some of it through the lens of my camera will help me to go on with this new life I am now living.
