Sometimes it doesn't hurt to take a look back at your life so that you can see how far you have come. I did that this morning as I was taking my daily walk. What I realized is, I have come a VERY long way. Another thing I came to realize as I was walking is just how determined I am to continue this journey I'm on, and go even farther. Change is a very big part of that journey. Life for me has changed so much recently. I'm doing my best to adapt to widowhood in as positive a manner as possible. Letting go of the things I need to let go of so I can move on and live the life I want to. Anyone who thinks that is an easy task, has never done that.
Those widowed sisters reading this know where I'm coming from. We think are doing fine, then suddenly, frequently at the oddest times, the fact our husband's are really really gone gone, hits us with the force of a sledgehammer to the heart. Grief, anger, and a thousand other emotions overwhelm us to the point we can't even function while engulfed in that emotional wave. Then, we dry our tears, pull ourselves together, and for the sake of ourselves, and our living loved ones, get the hell on with our life. A lot of times, while dealing with an enormous amount of fear concerning what that life will be.
Who am I now? That is a question I think all widows face because although we are still the same women we were, we are also not quite the same. For us more mature women who spent decades married to the same man, that can become a complicated question because we a part of someone else for so long, as they were a part of us. Now, we have to suddenly deal with just being us. We have to go within ourselves, and find out who the hell we really are now. What we really want for ourselves.
I'm still fumbling along and working out the details here. Still discovering my new self. Nurturing that new self as much as possible as I do discover her. Fighting the inner demons of guilt that sometimes besiege me as I allow myself to completely adapt to flying solo, sometimes soaring as I fly. I'm going to keep on doing what I'm doing because I know I have to. I'm not betraying Mr. Grinch, or dishonoring his life by doing so. Quite the opposite actually. He fought hard for every single breath he took for the last few months of his life because he wanted so badly to live. If I allow myself to be overcome with grief to the point I stop living, that would be dishonoring him, and the brave battle he fought.
