Over the past few years I have changed in ways I would have once never dreamed possible. For a long time I was, like so many others, all caught up in making my house a perfect home. Thinking, if I have the perfect home, then my life will be perfect. I poured my heart and soul into making that house in west Texas the perfect home. Gave it everything I had in me. Which now, from my new point of view, was really kind of stupid. First of all, it was just a house! Just walls and floors surrounded by a whole bunch of mesquite bushes. Secondly, there is no perfect home, or perfect life. And to me now, the house, the adode, is really the thing that counts the least when it comes to what my heart calls home. For me, home is this beautiful hill country.
Home is where I feel I am when I am accidentally sneaking up on deer as I take advantage of one of the many parks and preserves around here. Home is where I feel I'm at as I watch the flow of the river or creek I am sitting by. Home is where I feel I am when I am surrounded by friends at one of the activities I've planned. Home is where I feel I am every time I step out on that little deck and think of the love and compassion shown by those who built it for Larry. Home is where I feel I am when I am listening to the whisper of the wind through the tree branches. That's as opposed to hearing it howl like a banshee as it blows up a dust storm in the mesquite patch. Yes, the wind sometimes howls here, yes it blows dust sometimes, but at least there are trees for it to whisper through on better days. And home is where I feel I'm at right now because of the promise of better days ahead for me.
This has all taken place because I allowed myself to accept the concept that maybe what is really home to me now, doesn't have a thing to do with what is home to anyone else. Life is about as perfect as it gets for me because I did allow myself to accept that concept. There will of course be things that will go wrong. Shit happens. That's part of life. But being in this place I feel so at home in now is why I will be able to handle whatever shit may happen. It is why I am going to have the strength to be able to continue this widow's journey I am on.
