Yesterday marked my first full week as a widow. I spent the afternoon over at Joshua Springs Park & Preserve with Chris, Marisol, and my grandchildren. I enjoyed digging a small piece of quartz rock out of the ground for my oldest grandson after he found it, and couldn't get dug out by himself. Spending time with my son and his family Sunday afternoon in the park was just I needed to help me make through the day.
Later that night I started rearranging the toy hauler part of the RV into a girl cave for me. I had brought my four painted ponies, and a few other little things from the living room when we went back to west Texas. I rearranged the little bit of furniture in what will be my girl cave until I was satisfied, then put my knick knacks on the fireplace and tables. I am going to pick up some curtain panels I can put on a tension rod to hide the black ramp door. The next piece of furniture I add will be a small swivel recliner. I want to look around and find just the right one. Next time I go back to west Texas, I am going to get that metal corner shelf, and my faeries from the porch room. I think it would be nice to have those around me again.
Turning that area into a girl cave for me is one more step along my journey of widowhood. This RV was our home for the past few years. Now, it is unfortunately just my home. Creating my own girl cave in the way I am is my way of acknowledging that sad fact, picking up the pieces of my life, and putting them back together so that I can continue the journey, and build a new life for myself.
I don't know exactly where this new journey is gong to take me. I just know I'm going to do my best continue on it with grace, dignity and courage. I will not wallow in sorrow because doing so will not bring him back, but would result in my son worrying about me. I cannot change what has happened. All I can do is take comfort in the fact I did the best I could while helping Larry finish his life's journey. I would give anything for his journey to have turned out differently. For him to have lived longer so that he could see his grandchildren growing up. I cannot change the past though. All I can do is walk into my new future as bravely as possible and enjoy watching them grow up for as long as I have left.
